I need to begin by apologizing for wasting everyone’s time with posts on politics and religion. It is about time that this blog actually discuss something that matters: chocolate milkshakes. Below I have compiled a ranking of the best milkshakes around. I have left off some brands—Chili’s, David’s Burgers, Wendy’s—because why not. For this list I am only dealing with chocolate, and don’t you dare ask about malts.
10. Dairy Queen, Sonic – At the bottom of the list we find the disgrace to milkshakes everywhere known as soft serve milkshakes. These monstrosities masquerading as milkshakes are lucky to have even made the list. Though, who am I kidding, if they showed up on my doorstep, I’d drink ‘em.
9. McDonald’s, Arby’s – What we have here is not awful, and in fact, the McDonald’s shake is really the baseline for milkshakes—lots of restaurants serve a similar style. They’re good; it’s just that milkshakes get a lot better.
8. In-N-Out – Get over it, Californians.
7. Ghirardelli – I’ve had the chocolate shake from Ghirardelli twice. Both times I enjoyed it immensely, but both times I was left thinking, this could use less chocolate.
6. Steak ’n’ Shake, Chick-Fil-A – Beyond this point, we are only splitting hairs and ranking degrees of divine nectar. Both of these chains deliver on a classic, creamy milkshake that master their genre of shake.
5. Wiles-Smith Drug Store – Wiles-Smith, of Memphis notoriety, makes the list—I must admit—based solely on experience. The shake that Wiles (or Smith) made for Lauren and I was supplemented with 3 ladles of chocolate syrup and served in a metal cup. It was excellent, though it suffered from the same over-chocolate as Ghirardelli. Still the experience of being served our drink by the master himself, as well as getting a bonus drink when a woman missed the giant sign on the door that said No Checks, made the milkshake experience extraordinary.
4. Shake Shack, Five Guys, Which Wich – This triumvirate of milshakery makes a similarly thick, chocolatey deliciousness. All three must be honored for the heart and craft they bring to the table.
3. Potbelly – Potbelly makes a similar quality shake as our #4 contenders, but its drink is lighter and represents a purer, more elegant addition to our list.
2. Whataburger – I may be cast out of my family and my membership in the Crouch Men’s Club revoked for this, but Whataburger suffers a narrow defeat and ends up at our #2 spot. It is by all accounts an amazing milkshake, though its real riches lie in the size of the cup in which it is served. No, you misheard me, I asked for a small. This is a small? That’s can’t be possible—how do you turn a profit? What do you mean you don’t care about money, you only care about my happiness?*
1. Braum’s – Braum’s milkshake, the one milkshake to rule them all, is the only shake on our list that takes advantage of the modern age and uses scientific modification to make it objectively better than all the rest. By delivering fresher, slightly condensed milk, they give their patrons the inimitable gift of a perfect milkshake.
*Joke borrowed without permissions from Gary Gulman.